From July 26, 1996…
Just two things of military importance this morning…
The USS Coral Sea (an aircraft carrier) is on fire this morning and continues to burn as I write this. When I heard the news, I immediately put the word out to the Disc Space Conservation Society so they could mobilize. Whether it be fighting third world nations or the impoverished destitute, they are ready to go. Come to find out though, it wasn’t some dastardly missile from a far-off ship: it was most likely somebody being careless with a cutting torch creating the raw materials for next month’s close shave (the morning kind).
The DSCS has rounded up some likely suspects and are conducting the interrogation in the usual manner (pizza and beer until they talk).
In other news, some investors got together and put up slightly over $700,000.00 (US) to buy a Harrier Jet from Pepsi. In Pepsi’s “get stuff” campaign, this is the money equivalent of the points required to win a free combat fighter. Pepsi is in a tough situation because the plane costs around $24 million (US). I wonder if the government is going to get in on this fire sale (the plane, not the aircraft carrier).
The DSCS has already put in an order for five planes. When they say “Delete these off the server!” I highly suggest that you think twice before ignoring them.
By the way, because some of you have children, they have installed a policy stating that they will only fly over and attack your house during the day to avoid waking the children up. This should sit better with your neighbors also.
If anyone wants off the list, please send me an e-mail or send a self-addressed envelope to Pepsi Cola, Inc. with a check for $750,000 (the extra is to cover the shipping and handling – allow 4 to 6 weeks for delivery). Make sure you check the box that says “Harrier Jet” so you don’t accidentally receive 14 million Pepsi frisbees (the order numbers are very similar). If you know of anyone who wants to be on the list e-mail me (I will make an exception and accept a Jet).